Ep.54 / Living In The Grey: The Let Them Theory & The Truth About Friendship
Discover how Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory can help you embrace the grey areas in life and relationships. Josh shares therapy insights, personal stories, and practical advice for letting go, navigating friendships, and finding peace in the in-between.
Living in the Grey: How the Let Them Theory and Therapy Lessons Changed My Friendships
For most of my life, I’ve been a black-and-white thinker. Friends were either in or out. I either loved you fully or decided you weren’t worth the energy. There wasn’t a lot of room for nuance, for in-between, for just… existing in a grey area.
But over the past few years, therapy and Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory have taught me that the real magic — and the real peace — lives in the in-between.
What is the Let Them Theory?
Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory is simple but revolutionary: people change, drift, or make space in their own way — and you don’t have to chase, control, or fix it. You let them. And you focus on what you can control: your presence, your energy, your boundaries.
This idea was such a relief. Because so often, I felt like a friendship fading was my failure — like someone leaving my life meant I wasn’t lovable, worthy, or enough. But when I started thinking in terms of letting people exist in their own rhythm, it was liberating.
It also dovetailed perfectly with something my therapist has been helping me see: life and relationships rarely exist in extremes. Most of the time, the healthiest choices are in the grey — the space between holding on tightly and letting go completely.
The Three Pillars of Friendship
Mel Robbins also explains that friendships thrive when three factors align:
Phase of life – Are you in the same season?
Distance – Physical or emotional proximity.
Shared energy/values – Emotional resonance and alignment.
If one pillar shifts, the friendship dynamic naturally changes. That doesn’t make it a failure — it makes it evolution. And it gives us permission to stop trying to force relationships into rigid “all-in” or “all-out” categories.
Living in the Grey with Friends
Therapy helped me notice a pattern: my all-or-nothing thinking often made me exhausted and resentful. If someone canceled plans, my brain went straight to “They don’t care about me.” If a friend drifted, I assumed I’d done something wrong.
Learning to live in the grey meant embracing the space between extremes. It’s about saying: Maybe their timing is off. Maybe their energy is elsewhere. Maybe distance is just life.
Personal example:
A college friend moved across the country. I used to obsess over why they weren’t reaching out. Therapy helped me see that it wasn’t personal — the phase of life pillar had shifted. I started practicing letting go with grace. I stopped measuring my worth by their availability and focused on nurturing the friendships that aligned with my current energy.
Therapy Lessons That Tie Into the Let Them Theory
Attachment awareness – We cling because we fear rejection or abandonment. Therapy helped me see that letting go doesn’t equal being unloved.
Grey area thinking – Life and friendships aren’t binary. There’s space to love someone without forcing them into your world exactly how you want them.
Boundaries as self-respect – Letting someone exist in their own rhythm doesn’t mean you ignore your needs. Therapy reinforced that it’s okay to step back from relationships that drain your energy while still caring for the person.
Stories from the Grey Area
The fading group chat: I had a group of friends where conversation and memes flowed constantly. Over time, life happened — jobs, relationships, moving. My impulse was to push harder, but therapy + Let Them Theory taught me to soften my grip. The connection didn’t disappear, it just existed differently.
The ghosted brunch: Someone I loved stopped accepting invitations. I used to feel hurt and blame myself. Now I pause, assess which pillar shifted, and let it go — without shame or anger.
The reconnect: A friend I thought I’d lost resurfaced years later. It wasn’t the same friendship, but the energy was enough to reconnect in a healthier, lighter way.
These stories illustrate living in the grey: recognizing shifts, embracing nuance, and accepting that friendship isn’t permanent unless the pillars align — and even then, it’s evolving.
Why Living in the Grey is Powerful
Black-and-white thinking often leads to anxiety, resentment, or guilt. Therapy helped me understand that the “in-between” is where real peace exists. Living in the grey means:
You honor your feelings without overreacting.
You respect others’ autonomy while protecting your energy.
You stop measuring connection with rigid expectations.
You create space for relationships to breathe, grow, or evolve.
Combining this mindset with the Let Them Theory makes relationships feel lighter and more authentic. You don’t force connection — you allow it. You don’t obsess over absence — you notice the pillars shifting. And most importantly, you cultivate self-respect and emotional clarity.
Final Takeaways
Friendships change; people drift. That’s not rejection, it’s evolution.
Use the three pillars — phase of life, distance, and shared energy — to understand shifts.
Living in the grey lets you care without controlling. You can love, let go, and still feel grounded.
Therapy can help uncover why we cling, fear loss, or struggle with letting go — and teach us how to live with nuance.
Peace isn’t about control — it’s about understanding and acceptance.
Friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Life doesn’t have to be “right or wrong.” The Let Them Theory and therapy lessons have shown me that the most freeing, joyful relationships live in the in-between.
— Josh, Hot Air